The Great Void: Part II

So I think at this point we're all quit familiar with the antics of Lisa's mother, "Dot". If not, please read the previous posts. Go ahead...I've got time.


All caught up? Good.


Like many of you, I found the "treasures" from the depths of Dot's storage units to be, for lack of any better term, fascinating. You can imagine my excitement when Lisa told me that she had picked out something "special" that I might be interested in.

A photo of my reaction if I was an adorable black kid.

What could this magical item be? Given the vast array of items that Dot decided were worth saving, I wouldn't have been surprised to receive a box filled with the remains of Jimmy Hoffa . . .or a used spork.

Play along with me. If someone said they had a gift for you from someone's storage bin, what would you be hoping for? Here's a short list of items that she COULD have saved for me:

A rare coin collection

A baseball card worth $1,000,000

A boarding pass from the Titanic (it's possible).

Okay, these examples might be a tad unrealistic. However, they would be awesome and I wouldn't be entirely surprised if Dot had them stashed away at the bottom of a box containing crumpled up newspaper and a cup filled with mystery bones.

This isn't the first time someone has claimed to have something "interesting" for me that they found in their storage. In no particular order, a list of "normal" storage items that I've been given:

A photo of me from 3rd grade. Adorable, no?

My great-grandmother's silver. There's no telling how many drunken Joneses have eaten with this stuff. 

My sleeping bag circa 1988.  Apparently, it's "vintage" now. Buy your own here.

Lisa, take note. Anything like the previous items would be FANTASTIC! I would be incredibly happy receiving any of these. 

See? That's me being happy with a storage gift.

So what could this mystery item be? I just kept thinking to myself, "PLEASE let it be the cobra/mongoose statue."

Who could forget this little gem? Seriously, Lisa. Put it up for auction. I'd get into a bidding war with someone for it.

Alas, it wasn't meant to be. The cobra/mongoose (which I affectionately refer to as 'Rikki Tikki Nightmare') still isn't gracing a table in my home . . .yet.

But imagine my relief when Lisa handed me this:

Thank you, Jesus. At least it wasn't the 30-year-old vibrating C-ring. A wave of relief rushed over me. Reading about the abyss that is Dot's storage unit had me contemplating all sorts of strange and disturbing things that Lisa could present me with. A book on painting? Not too bad. Then I opened it...

A reenactment of my reaction...

to this:

Son of a...

Yes, dear ones, that is an actual photo of Dot's colon (for those of you who thought I made up that whole colonoscopy thing). I should probably get it framed. It'll be the world's best/worst dirty Santa present.

Lisa and Kari, be advised that I will be taking recommendations for retaliation. Although, I'm almost certain that cleaning out your mom's storage units is revenge enough.

In the mean time, here's a random photo of a cow, because the last thing you see on this post shouldn't be the insides of a middle aged woman's rectum.