Sh*t I Found in My Mom's Storage Unit

When Jewel and I started this blog, we really didn't set out with the idea of writing almost exclusively about my mom.  And I promise that one of these days, we'll move on.  But the topic is just so rich, and as Jewel said, "blogs about your mom just write themselves."

My mom (along with the rest of us) used to live in a ramshackle house that was seemingly held together with Scotch tape and undeserved hope.  That being said, it was a pretty big house.  Big enough for her and all her eccentricities.  But life being what it is for a thug out on the streets, Mom had to move out of the big house about 10 years ago.She is and always has been on a very fixed income, and to most people, having to move into their cars or a two room apartment would signal, "Hey...maybe it's time to downsize all this crap I've accumulated over the last 50 years."  But my mom is not most people.  Thus, she moved all her...we'll call them "treasures" into two storage units that together have more space than her entire apartment.

And she's kept it all there.

For a decade.

Recently, Sister and I decided that we needed to take a more hands-on approach to managing Mom's affairs.  And one of the first orders of business was cleaning out those storage units.  After all, many most of these things she keeps because she has some beautiful delusion that Sister and I will want it someday.  And how long could cleaning these things out take?

How cute.

The first day, we spent about three or four hours.  We got through about a third of one storage unit.  We had to stop when dark started closing in, and we were starting to get scared of what lay in the rest of the boxes.  I can't remember everything we threw out that day, but I distinctly remember an old McDonald's styrofoam cup with little bones in it.  I didn't ask questions.

That day we filled up an entire truck bed with stuff to take to the dump.  Praise be to God (and possibly the voodoo bones), Mom was a willing participant didn't throw herself into convulsions when we started trashing stuff.

Last week, Sister, Husband, Bro-in-Law, Mom, and I all went back out there with ideas that we'd finish that first storage unit and hopefully start on the second one...

Again...how cute.

We almost made it this time, but six hours, a lot of muttering and cussing under my breath, and again the fear of what might crawl out of the boxes after the sun went down made us call it quits before we got to the last wall of boxes.  This time, however, I did have the forethought to bring along my camera.  Please know that this is an entirely random but representative sample.  But after about two hours, the sheen wore off and there was a lot less funny and photo-snapping and a lot more sighing and "Seriously?  WTF Mom? "And so without further ado, I present to you...

Sh*t I Found in My Mom's Storage Unit

Lots and lots and friggin' lots of these.  Because who doesn't keep 30 year old canceled checks?  

You'd hope that there would be some organization to the madness.  But this is how Mom's mind works--glue sticks, an empty glitter shaker, a razor that's probably been banned now, a steak knife, a broken paint brush, a curling iron.
And a bag of hair.  Standard.

What precious, fragile treasure is hidden at the bottom of this large box of crumpled newspapers?

More newspaper.  One of many, many boxes filled with...nothing.  (Mental illness is super fun!)

Yes, it is.  No, I didn't ask.  We trashed them, and I'm still trying
to find the right hypnotist to block this from my memory.

You don't know what this is either?  It's a mystery, but clearly worth paying to store for 10 years.

Gah!  I totally should have cashed these in back in 1989!

Sigh.

In Mom's defense, I could see how this would be totally useful.  I would love to carry this around on a 

daily basis and just pull it out of my pocketbook and say, "You know what? You're dumber than...this!"

Don't even act like your mom doesn't keep dozens of return envelopes from Publishers Clearing House.
It's like a thing with the Boomers these days.

Son found these darts and then found an awesome use for them.

A plastic, disposable laundry detergent scoop. I never really know where to find these.

Mom looks happy to have found this large box of treasures.  What could be inside...

Oh look!  Enough Happy Meal toys to keep a small village in China in business for a month!  Yippee!  

Way to contribute to the global economy, Mom.  Way.to.go.

 

 A 15 gallon bucket with bleach and chemicals that have been sitting in it for a decade? Awesome.

Bro-in-Law looking quite fetching in this...umm...

 A stick? A root used with the McDonald's bones?  

The club she used to beat her first children to death with?  

The world may never know... 

Again.  Just don't ask.

For the next time I'm cruising around in my '77 Cutlass Supreme. 

Oh, well here's something a little more up-to-date...d'oh!

And now for the pièce de résistance...

Yes, it's a real stuffed cobra with a real stuffed mongoose.  And it actually sat in a place of honor in our living room (the top of the faux oak entertainment center) for the entirety of my childhood.  For some reason, I never thought to give them names.  But seeing as how this did not make it into the trash heap (yes, it's still safely tucked away in the storage unit), I'm taking suggestions.  Because one day, this will be mine.  

...so back off, Kari.